Monday, April 23, 2007
Saturday, April 21, 2007
A whole year.
So it's now been a full year since we lost Molly. I've spent most of the day in a shock. One year.. It's been a whole year since I last got to touch her, a whole year since I had to measure out morphine in a tiny syringe, meticulously meter a feeding pump, or insert a catheter. It just doesn't seem real. Yet here I am. Living on, when I think I shouldn't be. No one should ever out live their child. It has gotten easier to get on with my days, it's been a terrible year and good too. To many deaths, mistakes, emergencies, personal crisis, and injury etc. So here's to a new beginning.. The start of another year without my daughter. May this year be happy, easy, and smooth. I need the break.
Molly watch over Mommy, she needs your strength, and I miss you terribly!!!
OXOXOX,
Mama
Friday, April 20, 2007
The girls have names.
Meet Ears....
And Egg..
Leave it to my DS to name them this.. At least they aren't named after Monsters inc. characters like our chickens are. Oy
And Egg..
Leave it to my DS to name them this.. At least they aren't named after Monsters inc. characters like our chickens are. Oy
Thursday, April 19, 2007
My ass hurts!! And some cuteness.
So this morning I was all pumped. I was out in the yard at 7am baby monitor in hand, ready to tackle the large pile of dirt that I had delivered on Monday. So in and out I go for about a 1/2 hour.. DH is ready to leave for work so I walk him out.. 2 steps down the fucking wheel chair ramp and my ankles are up around my neck.... Oh Joy. Observe... You can actually see the skid marks that my crocs left on the frosty wood.. And if you look close you can see my ass print at the bottom of the ramp.. GOOD MORNING PORTLAND!
But on the cute, fuzzy, and lighter side. I got my babies yesterday. These 2 girls are 50/50 German French angora bunnies.. For all you spinning and knitting mamas can you say Yum?! Come on say is with me, MMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMM GOOOOOOD!!
These precious little girls need names too ladies sooooo.. Let the namin fly.. Their daddy's name is Keppler and Mama's name is CW.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
My calling
Twenty-six years ago I sat on a bed in a military hospital in Colorado cradling my brand new baby sister. It was probably this point in my life when I decided that when I grew up, I wanted to be a mommy. Five seconds later I turned to the side and gently dropped my sister onto the bed with a bounce, jumped down and ran across the room to barter a deal with a Sergeant and his wife. "You can have my baby if I can have yours!", I had positively fallen in love with this tiny ebony child and just knew that I could take it home instead of my pale, and frail sick little sister.
Flash forward several months as I toddle happily out of our shared room with an empty bottle of baby Asprin, and proudly declare that I fixed my baby who had been ill. (After all I wanted to be a doctor!) Promptly followed by a stomach pumping and I'm sure an ass kicking that I can't seem to recall.
Two more years later I meet my newest little sister. This time I didn't try to trade her since I was a big girl and knew that you got what you got, no matter it's defect. (Love you Ace!) This time I didn't try to kill her either, instead I let every adult in the room know that I knew what kind of doctor I wanted to be! I was gonna deliver babies! Little did they know.
Thirteen years and one failed vasectomy later my little brother graced us with his presence after a quick induction. At seventeen years old the OB and I battled for a front row seat, while I witnessed my first live birth, that poor doctor kept asking me nicely to please mind the sterile field. As my little brother slowly unfolded himself from my mothers body I fell in love with the actual birth process.
Just a few short years later my little sister gave birth to my niece, after a labor that refused to progress my mother, and I were ask to accompany her to the delivery room for a c-section. Again the poor dear same old OB, called me Paparazi, and poked fun at me for nearly climbing on top of my little sister to get a better view as they deftly freed my niece from my sisters womb.
After that I lost track of my goals due to life and all that it entails. At the age of Twenty-two I met my darling husband whom I immediatly knew was the one. We spent our first night together and haven't been pried apart since.
Our first pregnancy was full of excitement and disappointment, I had planned a home birth to peacefully bring our son into the world. Quickly dashed by an OB that was horrid. To the outside world it seemed to be fine. However I was devastated. Induced, ignored, left to labor without support for the way I needed not wanted things to go. After 9 hours of hard active labor, our little boy was born. It took me months to be able to talk about it without breaking down.
Twenty-six months later our 8 month old son was born in a calm and pleasant manner at home, I couldn't have asked for a better birth. I got what I wanted!! This time I was happy, comfortable, and at peace with how my body worked.
Now I sit in my living room surrounded by piles of my school books. On the track to my career twenty-four years after I told everyone that I was going to deliver babies. I've come full circle, and am proud to know that one day my sons will roll their eyes sigh and tell their friends when asked, "What does your mom do?", "Ugh, She's a midwife. Please don't talk to her about babies. She'll make you crazy."
Flash forward several months as I toddle happily out of our shared room with an empty bottle of baby Asprin, and proudly declare that I fixed my baby who had been ill. (After all I wanted to be a doctor!) Promptly followed by a stomach pumping and I'm sure an ass kicking that I can't seem to recall.
Two more years later I meet my newest little sister. This time I didn't try to trade her since I was a big girl and knew that you got what you got, no matter it's defect. (Love you Ace!) This time I didn't try to kill her either, instead I let every adult in the room know that I knew what kind of doctor I wanted to be! I was gonna deliver babies! Little did they know.
Thirteen years and one failed vasectomy later my little brother graced us with his presence after a quick induction. At seventeen years old the OB and I battled for a front row seat, while I witnessed my first live birth, that poor doctor kept asking me nicely to please mind the sterile field. As my little brother slowly unfolded himself from my mothers body I fell in love with the actual birth process.
Just a few short years later my little sister gave birth to my niece, after a labor that refused to progress my mother, and I were ask to accompany her to the delivery room for a c-section. Again the poor dear same old OB, called me Paparazi, and poked fun at me for nearly climbing on top of my little sister to get a better view as they deftly freed my niece from my sisters womb.
After that I lost track of my goals due to life and all that it entails. At the age of Twenty-two I met my darling husband whom I immediatly knew was the one. We spent our first night together and haven't been pried apart since.
Our first pregnancy was full of excitement and disappointment, I had planned a home birth to peacefully bring our son into the world. Quickly dashed by an OB that was horrid. To the outside world it seemed to be fine. However I was devastated. Induced, ignored, left to labor without support for the way I needed not wanted things to go. After 9 hours of hard active labor, our little boy was born. It took me months to be able to talk about it without breaking down.
Twenty-six months later our 8 month old son was born in a calm and pleasant manner at home, I couldn't have asked for a better birth. I got what I wanted!! This time I was happy, comfortable, and at peace with how my body worked.
Now I sit in my living room surrounded by piles of my school books. On the track to my career twenty-four years after I told everyone that I was going to deliver babies. I've come full circle, and am proud to know that one day my sons will roll their eyes sigh and tell their friends when asked, "What does your mom do?", "Ugh, She's a midwife. Please don't talk to her about babies. She'll make you crazy."
Sunday, April 8, 2007
Life always begins again..
Nearly one year later here I sit beginning my life over again. This year has brought incomprehensible sadness, and moments of joy all swirled together. It's been almost a year since my little girl died, and 8 months since her little brother was born peacefully into the hands of our midwife Ellie Legare, just inches from where his big sister died.
It's been hard in a myriad of ways. Grief paired with excitement, pitted against guilt and joy. The joy in the birth of my 2nd son darkened by the guilt over his sisters passing, and his big brothers grief as only a 2 1/2 year old can express it. On to the present...
I've started classes in midwifery at New Life Home Birth. It's going great so far.. And Mitch is excited that I'm doing something that I've only talked about forever. And to bolster my schooling and clinical hours I've decided to get myself certified as a birth/postpartum Doula at Birthingway here in Portland. I've offered my services as a Doula in the past but we all know how people like to see that piece of paper stating that you know what you're doing etc. Now I have to figure out how to get a preceptor to apprentice under when I reach that point in my schooling. And I also need to learn the fine art of time share, so I can be a doula and still be a good mom.
Onward ho!....
It's been hard in a myriad of ways. Grief paired with excitement, pitted against guilt and joy. The joy in the birth of my 2nd son darkened by the guilt over his sisters passing, and his big brothers grief as only a 2 1/2 year old can express it. On to the present...
I've started classes in midwifery at New Life Home Birth. It's going great so far.. And Mitch is excited that I'm doing something that I've only talked about forever. And to bolster my schooling and clinical hours I've decided to get myself certified as a birth/postpartum Doula at Birthingway here in Portland. I've offered my services as a Doula in the past but we all know how people like to see that piece of paper stating that you know what you're doing etc. Now I have to figure out how to get a preceptor to apprentice under when I reach that point in my schooling. And I also need to learn the fine art of time share, so I can be a doula and still be a good mom.
Onward ho!....
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