Portlandmama

Long overdue...

2008-05-12T22:52:00.000-07:00

Been far too long.. First things first.. M and I are splitsville.. Happened back in November..

I'm working full time, Butter and Xan are huge and annoying. I'm living alone for the first time since I was 19 years old.. It's a trip. Still getting the hang. Broke all the time, never enough free time or babysitters to go around. Been out on a few dates, trying to have fun with my new found freedom but there always seems to be someone who wants to tie me down, and not in a fun way.

So it's bed time... I should rename the blog adventures in dating... More to follow night night kiddies....

Happy birthday Molly!!!

2007-08-09T22:31:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Molly. How I wonder what you'd look like now as a 13 year old young woman. We missed you tons today, went out to the movies, and had your favorite ice cream too. We've decided that we're going to do things on your birthday as a family now, to remember, and be together.

Here's to another year past.. We love you angel..

Love,
Mommy

MIA

2007-08-06T16:51:00.000-07:00

Well I've been out of the bloggin world for a couple weeks.. It's been interesting to say the least. Sooo here goes... Bad news out of the way first.. Aunt Shirley died on July 21st, and our niece Missy died yesterday early in the morning. (sigh) This is getting ridiculous.

On to better news, DH and I are doing well, I've been feeling better in general about life and what not. I've also met someone that I think is pretty damn special too. I know I know.. Ya'll who don't agree with my life style can just up and bite me.. Anyway, this person is sweet, cuddly, fun, silly, and all those good things that I love to be around, and!! And!! I get 2 doses of it.. From DH and the other guy. I don't know where it's going right now, I'm just having a good time getting to know him. I hope to get to know him even better in the future too. We'll see what comes of this in the mean time I'll just keep my fingers crossed that I don't fuck things up like I'm usually bound to do.

Family update.. The boys are getting big.. Butter's 1st birthday is rapidly approaching. (gasp) He's such a good little dude. Here bask in his cuteness.

Hard to believe that 11 months ago he was born 15 ft from where I write this. And 15 ft the other direction he's snoring happily in his sleep.. (sigh) I love babies.

Xan too is doing well.. If you take the time to forget all the 3-4 year old BS that goes down.. Here's a newer pic of my little tornado..

Alright kiddies that's it for now.. Much loves and stuff..

Pirates!! Arrrrrrrrr!!!

2007-07-16T09:21:00.000-07:00

So my friend Michele's birthday was yesterday so I made this for her... It's bright red cordoroy, and black cotton skulls and crossbones for the strap and lining.. Complete with cell pocket and hand appliqued peace sign... :-D I totally rock sometimes...

Pride weekend!!!

2007-06-17T21:02:00.000-07:00

WAS AWESOME!

Love from your little brother

2007-06-15T17:57:00.000-07:00

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

My son was watching Winnie the Pooh and I heard this come wafting in from the living room.. Shortly followed by his voice yelling, "Alway be wit you sissa". My little man stood below our mantel blowing kisses to his big sister's picture that sits next to her ashes.

He knows that "sissa" is gone, and seems to know that she's still somewhere. He occasionally sees a school bus and screams out "SISSA HOME MAMA!". It breaks my heart that's he's holding out hope that she'll be home soon, but warms it too that he still remembers her. I hope as he gets older he continues to remember her and tells their little brother about her.

FIRST EGG!!

2007-06-05T18:18:00.001-07:00

Well it's the 2nd egg I've found today but the first one was crushed on the porch.. (I think Betty laid on the porch and the dog found it.) Here is a pic!!

Xan is very, very, very proud of his Tickens.. He carried the egg around the house for a good long while then decided that it was time to "make it!" So I made him a fresh scrambled egg with ketchup on the side...

Yay!! We officially don't have to buy eggs anymore!! YIPPIE!!!

2007-05-31T07:03:00.000-07:00

Ok, fess up someone didn't tell that rabbit shit was soooooo bad.. Picture this is you will.. 10pm slowly heading to bed. Frantic knocking at the front door.. WTF?! Look out the window and there is a very upset looking man I've never met on the porch. He quickly introduces himself,

"Hi!-I'm-your-backyard-neighbor-(insert name I can't recall)-your-yard-is-on-fire!"

Me: Say what?!

We take off running around that house while I yell at mitch, "YARD!! FIRE!! UGH!!"

Get to the back yard and sure enough flames.. To make the whole thing even worse, it's the compost bins on fire..........and!! And!! Our firewood pile has started to catch.. I run around the yard in the dark trying to find a hose... Neighbor and I both start putting it out and laughing over it..

Apparently this is what I get for cleaning the rabbit hutch on a 90 degree day, and not stirring or adding water. UGH.

Moral of the story... Hay + Rabbit shit + 90 degree weather = SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION!! Oy!! Pics to be added later..

Babies and Bunnies... Nough said..

2007-04-23T12:33:00.000-07:00

A whole year.

2007-04-21T22:44:00.001-07:00

So it's now been a full year since we lost Molly. I've spent most of the day in a shock. One year.. It's been a whole year since I last got to touch her, a whole year since I had to measure out morphine in a tiny syringe, meticulously meter a feeding pump, or insert a catheter. It just doesn't seem real. Yet here I am. Living on, when I think I shouldn't be. No one should ever out live their child. It has gotten easier to get on with my days, it's been a terrible year and good too. To many deaths, mistakes, emergencies, personal crisis, and injury etc. So here's to a new beginning.. The start of another year without my daughter. May this year be happy, easy, and smooth. I need the break.

Molly watch over Mommy, she needs your strength, and I miss you terribly!!!

OXOXOX,
Mama

The girls have names.

2007-04-20T07:10:00.000-07:00

Meet Ears....

And Egg..

Leave it to my DS to name them this.. At least they aren't named after Monsters inc. characters like our chickens are. Oy

My ass hurts!! And some cuteness.

2007-04-19T08:06:00.000-07:00

So this morning I was all pumped. I was out in the yard at 7am baby monitor in hand, ready to tackle the large pile of dirt that I had delivered on Monday. So in and out I go for about a 1/2 hour.. DH is ready to leave for work so I walk him out.. 2 steps down the fucking wheel chair ramp and my ankles are up around my neck.... Oh Joy. Observe... You can actually see the skid marks that my crocs left on the frosty wood.. And if you look close you can see my ass print at the bottom of the ramp.. GOOD MORNING PORTLAND!

But on the cute, fuzzy, and lighter side. I got my babies yesterday. These 2 girls are 50/50 German French angora bunnies.. For all you spinning and knitting mamas can you say Yum?! Come on say is with me, MMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMM GOOOOOOD!!

These precious little girls need names too ladies sooooo.. Let the namin fly.. Their daddy's name is Keppler and Mama's name is CW.

My calling

2007-04-17T21:36:00.000-07:00

Twenty-six years ago I sat on a bed in a military hospital in Colorado cradling my brand new baby sister. It was probably this point in my life when I decided that when I grew up, I wanted to be a mommy. Five seconds later I turned to the side and gently dropped my sister onto the bed with a bounce, jumped down and ran across the room to barter a deal with a Sergeant and his wife. "You can have my baby if I can have yours!", I had positively fallen in love with this tiny ebony child and just knew that I could take it home instead of my pale, and frail sick little sister.

Flash forward several months as I toddle happily out of our shared room with an empty bottle of baby Asprin, and proudly declare that I fixed my baby who had been ill. (After all I wanted to be a doctor!) Promptly followed by a stomach pumping and I'm sure an ass kicking that I can't seem to recall.

Two more years later I meet my newest little sister. This time I didn't try to trade her since I was a big girl and knew that you got what you got, no matter it's defect. (Love you Ace!) This time I didn't try to kill her either, instead I let every adult in the room know that I knew what kind of doctor I wanted to be! I was gonna deliver babies! Little did they know.

Thirteen years and one failed vasectomy later my little brother graced us with his presence after a quick induction. At seventeen years old the OB and I battled for a front row seat, while I witnessed my first live birth, that poor doctor kept asking me nicely to please mind the sterile field. As my little brother slowly unfolded himself from my mothers body I fell in love with the actual birth process.

Just a few short years later my little sister gave birth to my niece, after a labor that refused to progress my mother, and I were ask to accompany her to the delivery room for a c-section. Again the poor dear same old OB, called me Paparazi, and poked fun at me for nearly climbing on top of my little sister to get a better view as they deftly freed my niece from my sisters womb.

After that I lost track of my goals due to life and all that it entails. At the age of Twenty-two I met my darling husband whom I immediatly knew was the one. We spent our first night together and haven't been pried apart since.

Our first pregnancy was full of excitement and disappointment, I had planned a home birth to peacefully bring our son into the world. Quickly dashed by an OB that was horrid. To the outside world it seemed to be fine. However I was devastated. Induced, ignored, left to labor without support for the way I needed not wanted things to go. After 9 hours of hard active labor, our little boy was born. It took me months to be able to talk about it without breaking down.

Twenty-six months later our 8 month old son was born in a calm and pleasant manner at home, I couldn't have asked for a better birth. I got what I wanted!! This time I was happy, comfortable, and at peace with how my body worked.

Now I sit in my living room surrounded by piles of my school books. On the track to my career twenty-four years after I told everyone that I was going to deliver babies. I've come full circle, and am proud to know that one day my sons will roll their eyes sigh and tell their friends when asked, "What does your mom do?", "Ugh, She's a midwife. Please don't talk to her about babies. She'll make you crazy."

Life always begins again..

2007-04-08T00:44:00.000-07:00

Nearly one year later here I sit beginning my life over again. This year has brought incomprehensible sadness, and moments of joy all swirled together. It's been almost a year since my little girl died, and 8 months since her little brother was born peacefully into the hands of our midwife Ellie Legare, just inches from where his big sister died.

It's been hard in a myriad of ways. Grief paired with excitement, pitted against guilt and joy. The joy in the birth of my 2nd son darkened by the guilt over his sisters passing, and his big brothers grief as only a 2 1/2 year old can express it. On to the present...

I've started classes in midwifery at New Life Home Birth. It's going great so far.. And Mitch is excited that I'm doing something that I've only talked about forever. And to bolster my schooling and clinical hours I've decided to get myself certified as a birth/postpartum Doula at Birthingway here in Portland. I've offered my services as a Doula in the past but we all know how people like to see that piece of paper stating that you know what you're doing etc. Now I have to figure out how to get a preceptor to apprentice under when I reach that point in my schooling. And I also need to learn the fine art of time share, so I can be a doula and still be a good mom.

Onward ho!....